


Uncertainty

by h_itoshi



Series: University AU [5]
Category: Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 10:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5000890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h_itoshi/pseuds/h_itoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, that since he's never had a relationship that's lasted this long, he's never had to introduce a boyfriend to his parents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncertainty

"Well, then I'm out of ideas, you think of something." Fujigaya sighs as he sits down by the table with a huge coffee, not even glancing at Yokoo whom he takes the seat next to.

Tamamori just rolls his eyes and tugs a chair over from the table next to them before sitting down with an equally large cup. "I don't know."

"Hi to you too?" Senga smiles with a raised eyebrow.

"Hi." Fujigaya mutters, and then glances around at them, looking pretty worn out. He lays his hand over Yokoo's on the table, lacing their fingers together, and Nikaido sees how Yokoo tries to hide his smile at the shown affection.

Tamamori just nods a greeting as he tries to make his coffee cool faster by taking the lid off and uses it as a fan.

It's a Monday afternoon and they decided on a Starbucks date to study, and even though there hasn't been much studying done yet, there's been a whole lot of discussion about a new videogame Nikaido's bought.

"What's up?" Yokoo asks, voice soft as he looks at Fujigaya with concern.

Fujigaya has a tendency to be a bitch and whine a lot, but he's not often tired enough not to do it. It's Tamamori who speaks up.

"We got a new assignment today. We're supposed to make 'a wearable collection of ten looks that includes menswear'. And we're four people in a group." He sighs, rubbing his temple, and Fujigaya just whines in agreement.

Nikaido's not very good at fashion, and so he doesn't really understand what the problem is, but since they both look like they got hit by a bus, he supposes that's difficult.

"And that's bad I understand." Yokoo states, clearly reading the message on their faces even though he's about as fashionable as Nikaido, and normally tunes out Fujigaya's ranting.

"Yeah, the thing is that wearable is difficult to make interesting, and it's really hard when you're four people who are supposed to agree on something. And then menswear, what the hell, we've hardly worked with that yet. And _ten_ looks in a _collection_ , that means they're supposed to be cohesive." Fujigaya sighs and sips his coffee even though it's too hot, and winces as he burns his tongue.

Yokoo nods in understanding, and Nikaido kind of gets it. Normally he thinks that fashion is a damn waste of time working with, but then he thinks again that webdesign might not be the most world-saving education either.

"Do you have any restrictions? Does it have to be everyday-wearable?" Senga asks, serious, and Nikaido turns to look at him in surprise. Senga's not the best with fashion either.

Senga strokes back a strand of brown hair as he leans forward to look at Fujigaya and Tamamori, expectant.

They exchange a glance which says they're not really sure.

"Uhm..." Tamamori says and turns back to Senga, tilting his head in question. "Maybe. I don't know. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking... Maybe you could design for us?" Senga asks, sounding a bit over-casual, and Nikaido lays a hand on his thigh since he can hear that he's a little nervous. "We're both guys and girls and we really need to be able to move in our clothes?"

Fujigaya and Tamamori quickly turn to look at each other, and seem to have a silent conversation with their surprised looks and tilting of their heads, and it almost looks comical.

"That's a really good idea Ken-chan." Tamamori says, sounding astonished. "Street clothes but dance. That's awesome."

"We'll check with our teachers if we can do that." Fujigaya adds, and he even smiles a little. "It'd be fun."

"Yeah, you'd get to dress Kitayama in anything you wanted." Nikaido can't help himself, and Fujigaya glares daggers at him while Senga cracks up laughing.

"I'd put him in tight pants and something loose at the top." Tamamori muses to himself. "Maybe a boatneck."

"That sounds hot." Senga smiles while Fujigaya just groans, and then glances at Nikaido with a smirk. "What would I get?"

"Sleeveless." Both Fujigaya and Tamamori say at the same time and it makes Senga laugh.

Nikaido smiles softly as he gently strokes Senga's thigh.

It's almost been a year since their first date now, the one at the aquarium that wasn't really a date, and it feels better than any relationship Nikaido's had before. It's probably his longest too, since he's never made it past one year. But Senga is nothing like his ex-boyfriends, they're not even comparable.

"Wataru." Fujigaya says, looking at his phone, after a little while of failed attempts at studying. "My mom demands we come to dinner on Saturday to meet Ryosuke's new girlfriend. Are we free?"

"A new one? Again?" Yokoo raises an eyebrow and Fujigaya just shrugs. "Yeah, I think we are. Not many things are better than your mother's food anyway."

Fujigaya smiles and kisses his cheek, and Nikaido tries to keep the displeasure off his face, because they really are cute. "I'll tell her then."

The thing is, that since he's never had a relationship that's lasted for this long, he's never had to introduce a boyfriend to his parents. He's told them that's he's never liked a girl in his life, and probably never will, but they're not nearly as understanding as Fujigaya's family.

"Stop making that face." Senga nudges him with a smile and breaks his train of thoughts. "What are you even thinking about?"

"Nothing." Nikaido forces a smile since he can feel Yokoo's concerned eyes on him.

"... Okay." Senga raises an eyebrow which clearly says he doesn't believe him, but lets it go and returns to his books.

 

"So you still haven't told either of them." Yokoo states as soon as Senga's disappeared down the stairs at the train station and he's alone with Nikaido.

Nikaido thinks for a second about pretending to have no idea what Yokoo's talking about, but then figures there's no point.

"No." He heaves a sigh that feels too big for his lungs, a heavy feeling settling in his chest.

"You should." Yokoo says casually, and it sounds so simple Nikaido's hackles rise.

"Just because your mom adores Taipi and his family thinks you're the best boyfriend anyone could ever have." He snarls, but Yokoo just raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

"Let's have a coffee." He says and starts to walk away.

Nikaido stares for a second before hurrying to catch up with Yokoo. "You're kidding right, we just had coffee?"

"At my place." Yokoo explains, and Nikaido rolls his eyes, knowing there's no way of talking himself out of this. And to be fair, he might need to talk about it.

Fujigaya's thankfully not home when Nikaido kicks off his shoes in the hall of the apartment. It's small, but not tiny, perfect for two people, even though Fujigaya's stuff probably take up 75% of the space, while Yokoo lives on 10 and the rest is what they share.

“So do you want coffee or food?” Yokoo asks as he hangs up his jacket neatly, absentmindedly picking up one of Fujigaya's that has fallen off it's hanger.

“... I don't know.” Nikaido shrugs. “Whatever you wanna give me.”

Yokoo glances at the watch, and then walks into the kitchen to open the fridge, thoughtfully looking at the shelves. “Hmm, I think food. It's already 5.30 after all.”

“Yay, real food.” Nikaido smiles, thinking of all the take-away he's been eating lately and then jumps up to sit on the counter next to the fridge, peeking inside as Yokoo starts to pick out vegetables and meat.

“Do you have to sit there?” Yokoo purses his lips, but Nikaido only tilts his head, knowing Yokoo doesn't actually cook on this surface anyway. He shoves away a couple of bills and settles more comfortably.

“Unless you want my help?”

Yokoo snorts a laugh that has Nikaido's eyes narrowing, because he's not _that_ bad at cooking. “Nah, I think I'll manage.”

Nikaido watches Yokoo move some breakfast dishes from the bench before starting to bring out a cutting-board and knife and pans and all kinds of stuff.

“So.” Yokoo says as he starts peeling a cabbage into leaves. “Why won't you tell Ken-chan about your parents?”

Nikaido sighs, fingering with a pen he found on the counter to busy himself somehow. “I... Don't know. I guess I haven't ever had a relationship this serious.”

It's true, and Yokoo knows this, knows him better than anyone since they've been friends since middle school. He was the one who hugged Nikaido tight when he was devastated about his parents reaction to his sexuality, the one who made Nikaido break up with his first boyfriend who was a dick to him, and of course, the one who made him go on a date with Senga.

“I know.” Yokoo confirms. “But isn't that all the more reason to tell him?”

Nikaido stays quiet as Yokoo chops the cabbage into pieces before tossing it in a pan, some strands of green fleeing onto the stove. He watches Yokoo pick them up and return them to their friends before starting in on peeling the carrots.

“Maybe.” He admits, because Yokoo's right and that's what's keeping him on edge these days. “I'm just... At the beginning I was just thinking that I shouldn't be too quick. Just take a day at a time you know? But now I'm starting to feel like there's just not a day at a time anymore, we plan things we're supposed to do in months, talk about things we could do in a year, and I'm a little scared.”

It feels good to tell someone this, because he's been thinking about it, the thoughts nagging in his head when Senga jokingly says things like Nikaido better take care of him when he's an old man and has broken every bone in his extremities at least once from dancing.

Nikaido's relationships, the three he's had that could even count as relationships, has always been shallower, revolving around sex and not being lonely, nothing like what he has with Senga. He still gets sex and he can't even remember what being lonely feels like, but there's also a mutual feeling of affection between them, a promise about a future and wanting to be together that has Nikaido feeling uncomfortable.

Yokoo smiles, a soft smile that's almost father-like. “That's how things should be though. If you still love each other you're supposed to be able to plan a future together.”

“But it's scary.” Nikaido whines, but he doesn't sound childish even to himself, because he really means it. He's scared. “What if we plan something, plan our life, and then suddenly we break up? How am I supposed to ever move on from that?”

Yokoo turns around to look him in the eye then, the small smile fading from his lips and Nikaido glances down at the knife he still holds for a second. “You don't know if you don't try though?”

Nikaido bites his lip and looks away, because he's been in love and rejected before and it wasn't pleasant. He doesn't want to let it go too far, because it can only hurt more.

“Nika, don't be ridiculous. I know you're scared but you love him. This is why you're not living together yet either, right? You should. You practically live at each other's homes anyway.”

“Well, what if it doesn't work out once we actually live together? What if we get really annoyed at each other and fight all the time?” Nikaido hurries to throw out, his own arguments that seems valid to him and has kept him from bringing it up for a long time.

“That's not it at all though.” Yokoo looks him over sternly and Nikaido shifts. “You're just afraid that if you move in together and then break up you would have to start over, find a new place to live and everything.”

“Yeah so what.” Nikaido mutters, biting his lip as he looks away, scared he might actually start crying if this keeps up.

At that moment the door opens and Fujigaya calls out that he's home, and Nikaido shakes himself a little. Yokoo glances towards the hall before giving Nikaido another stern look. “It's okay to be scared. But not too scared.”

Fujigaya enters the kitchen with cheeks pink from autumn wind and takes one glance at Yokoo's and Nikaido's faces before the smile fades from his face. “Oh. I'm really interrupting something, right?”

“No.” Nikaido forces a small smile that he knows isn't fooling anyone.

“I could go to my room if you want to talk?” Fujigaya says, looking more at Yokoo than Nikaido, but Yokoo just smiles and turns back to his vegetables.

“Why don't you tell Nika about the first time you met my parents?” He says, almost like an afterthought, and Fujigaya's eyebrows shoot up under his bangs and then he looks at Nikaido, clearly confused.

“What, why?”

Nikaido almost laughs at his face, but Yokoo just shrugs and Fujigaya makes a grimace like what the hell, and then leans against the fridge since it's closest.

“I was terrified the first time. I remember Wataru told me that it was all okay, nothing to worry about. But I'd never been gay before, you know.” Fujigaya makes a face. “For real. And Watta's brother was already married and his wife was pregnant and there I come into the family, a fashion student and a boy.”

Nikaido tilts his head, because he's probably only heard Fujigaya talk about feeling insecure when he's drunk.

“I just didn't feel like I could measure up, you know?” Fujigaya continues, and Nikaido can see Yokoo's small flattered smile as he pretends not to listen. “Watta's parents weren't delighted, he'd told me, but they'd give me a chance, and that's not really the premises you want to meet on, right? But then...”

He trails off and smiles and Nikaido's heart aches a little and he has no idea whether he's happy or sad or jealous.

“Then they were all so sweet to me. Wataru's dad was a little strict at first, but we had dinner together and he loosened up, asking me things and listening to the answers. All I really wanted was for them to accept me, and then when we were leaving, Watta's mom even asked for my phone number.” Fujigaya laughs.

“Well, you're cute when you're uncertain.” Yokoo says dismissively, but he's still smiling, not fooling either of them.

“That's not the same thing though.” Nikaido says slowly. “My parents aren't like yours.”

“... So Ken-chan hasn't met them huh?” Fujigaya asks softly, serious for once as he catches on what this is about.

“Nope. And I really don't want them to.” Nikaido mutters. “They'll just ruin everything.”

“Hey.” Fujigaya lays a hand on his shoulder, and Nikaido looks up, surprised. “It'll be fine. You should at least tell them.”

Nikaido huffs and he feels a little cornered even though he knows they mean well.

“Take your time.” Fujigaya smiles, and then turns to Yokoo to ask what he's making while taking three wine glasses from a cupboard.

Nikaido feels warm and fuzzy when he walks home, so happy that he has the best friends in the entire world. He's a little drunk, but not too much, and it's all just perfect with the chilly autumn air brushing his cheeks and ruffling his hair as he walks towards his building. He thinks of what to do when he gets inside, and decides that maybe he'll just crawl into bed and fall asleep without caring about anything. Then his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he reaches down to see what's going on.

When he looks at the display, the fuzzy feeling quickly fades and he thinks about not answering. It's his mother and she rarely talks to him these days.

“Hey.” He says when he picks up, voice a little weaker than he'd have wanted.

“Takashi, hi, it's mom.” She says, a little hurried.

“Hi.” He answers, wondering what she wants and instantly wants her to hang up and let him live his life in peace.

“Your father and I are coming into town next weekend. We'd like to see you.” She says, tone firm.

“Why?” Nikaido asks, partly the wine making him brave enough to question it.

His mother breathes an irritated sigh through her nose and Nikaido knows exactly what kind of look she'd give him if they were face to face.

“We haven't seen you in a long time. Your sister visits at least once a month you know?” She plays the guilt card and Nikaido frowns, snapping a “fine” before hanging up.

He unlocks his door and tosses the keys on a small table, feeling angry and sad and guilty at the same time, and he curses his mother for ruining his night.

He goes directly to bed, curling up under his blankets and he really wishes Senga was here with him.

 

 

_Can I see you after school?_

 

Nikaido texts Senga the first thing he does the next morning, after a night of tossing and turning and hugging a pillow instead of whom he really wanted to hold. He's had a couple of nightmares, he's sure, but he doesn't remember much more than his mother shouting at him and Senga crying, but that's more than enough.

 

_Sure. We're going to see Gaya and Tama at 4, to take measurements and stuff. But you should come too, so they don't give me anything indecent._

 

There's another chime from his phone immediately.

 

_What do you want for dinner btw?_

 

Nikaido smiles at the answers, feeling a little more at ease as he responds that he wouldn't really mind indecent, and that Senga pick the food.

But as he sits through a long boring class on colouring, there's still a nagging feeling of unease in his belly, thinking of how to tell Senga he's not going to be able to see him next weekend without saying he's meeting his parents. Because Senga wants to meet them, he knows that, even though Senga's never said it straight out he can see it in his eyes whenever Nikaido mentions his family.

Nikaido's met Senga's family. This summer, they went down to Nagoya where Senga's from to meet his parents and his brother, and it was an amazing week of making fun of Senga along with his brother, being taken care of by Senga's mother and told stories by his father.

They liked Nikaido, and Nikaido liked them, but thinking about it just makes him feel so guilty that he can't give Senga the same thing.

Yokoo sits next to Nikaido and looks like he wants to ask what's wrong, but he doesn't and Nikaido's thankful for it. He just needs some more time to think about this.

They go to Tamamori's and Fujigaya's workroom together, since Yokoo wouldn't pass up on a chance to see Fujigaya, ever, even if he tries to deny it.

A girl with a measuring tape around her neck and pins in her mouth raises an eyebrow when they enter, clearly not recognizing them as someone who should be there, but she's busy picking pins out of something black on a dress form and doesn't say anything.

Tamamori spots them first and smiles. “Hey! So you're here too?”

“Yeah.” Nikaido smiles as he sees Senga, sitting on a table and waiting for his turn. “Kenpi told me he was worried you'd put him in something indecent if I wasn't here to protect him.”

Senga rolls his eyes with a laugh, but urges for Nikaido to come closer. “Not quite my formulation there.”

“Hardly much difference.” Nikaido says softly and lets Senga sneak an arm around his waist and hug him.

Fujigaya looks up from where he's measuring Kitayama with thin lips, clearly not very pleased with his model, and sends Yokoo a helpless look when he sees him.

“Hey baby.” Yokoo smiles, and Fujigaya looks like he wants to throw himself into Yokoo's arms and cry, but Kitayama turns his head and gives Yokoo a mischievous smirk.

“Hey there handsome.” Kitayama says, and Fujigaya tightens the measuring tape around his arm considerably, making him wince.

Tamamori chats and flirts with the girl he's measuring, seeming fully comfortable with complimenting her shape, and Nikaido can feel Senga laugh against his side when she blushes a little.

“All our girls are gonna fall in love with these two.” Senga says softly, amusement in his voice, and Nikaido just smiles as he watches Kitayama bitch about that he is definitely taller than the number Fujigaya's written. At least two centimetres.

“As long as you don't.” Nikaido mumbles back, his arm around Senga's shoulders tightening a little.

“Of course not, stupid.” Senga laughs and pokes him in the side, and then Kitayama's voice sounds way too loud in the room considering what he's saying.

“If you doubt me there is something in my pants you can measure.” He smirks, eyes narrowed in challenge, which makes Fujigaya's cheeks flush and he swats Kitayama with the measuring tape, which earns him a laughed “kinky”.

“Tama, take him please.” Fujigaya whines loudly, but Tamamori and the girl he's measuring just laugh at his misery.

“Mitsu, behave.” Senga says, echoed by the girl sitting next to him, and so Kitayama lets Fujigaya loop the tape around his hips with only a small smile.

Yokoo sits down on the table next to where Nikaido's standing, trying hard to stifle his laughter. “He's going to be so flustered about this later.” He says quietly enough for only Nikaido and Senga to hear.

Eventually Kitayama is done, and Fujigaya wipes the bangs out of his face with a deep sigh, the relief clear on his features. “Ken-chan, come on, your turn.”

Senga hops down from the table, and Nikaido feels strangely cold. Kitayama takes Senga's place and greets Nikaido with a nod. “Hey.”

“Having fun?” Nikaido asks, and Kitayama nods with a small laugh.

“Wish I could do this everyday.”

Senga is ordered to take his sweater off, and Nikaido can't help but think about how good he looks in a tank top as Fujigaya lets the measuring tape run down Senga's bare arm. It's a little ridiculous, but he doesn't like Fujigaya's hands on Senga like that, doesn't like how he touches Senga's skin as he takes all kinds of measurements, because there's much more familiarity in his touch now than when he did Kitayama.

It must show on his face, because Yokoo nudges him a little, and Nikaido turns to him, meeting a look that plainly says 'really?'.

“That's my boyfriend you're hating on.” He mumbles, and Nikaido blushes a little.

“Sorry, I...” He starts, then shakes his head with a laugh, but the feeling stays in his chest and he doesn't like it.

“So you guys wanna go out for dinner later?” Kitayama leans forward to casually ask while wrapping a scarf around his neck.

“I don't know.” Nikaido says, thinking about Senga asking him what he wanted for dinner earlier. “Don't know if Kento's got plans.”

“We might.” Yokoo says, glancing at Fujigaya and then back to Kitayama. “Unless Taisuke's too wound up.”

“You're both true boyfriends, you know that?” Kitayama raises an eyebrow with a laugh. “'Just gotta check with my girlfriend first'. You should be able to have a guys-night and drink beer and talk about porn once in a while.”

Nikaido shoves at him while Yokoo just rolls his eyes.

“Hey Ken-chan.” Kitayama calls, clearly deciding to ask the authorities directly, voice a little louder to get Senga's attention. Senga turns with a questioning noise while Fujigaya measures his chest. “You wanna come out for dinner later? Your boyfriend won't answer me.”

Senga glances at Nikaido with raised eyebrows, and Nikaido shrugs, even though he really wanted to eat at home with Senga. Have some alone time and just hug him all night long.

“Sure.” Senga shrugs with a smile that melts Nikaido's heart and could make him agree to anything. Senga ruffles Fujigaya's hair, earning him a squeak. “You're coming too right?”

Fujigaya pokes Senga in the side to make him jump, and then quickly fixes his hair, taking his time to glare at Kitayama. “Maybe we will. Honestly Mitsu should buy me a drink for being so bloody difficult.”

Kitayama shrugs. “As long as you put out.”

That makes Fujigaya growl and take a step towards him, eyes narrowed in anger, but Senga grabs his arm to stop him, and Yokoo calls out something about enough flirting with his boyfriend, and Fujigaya calms down enough to finish Senga's measurements. Nikaido follows the motion of his hands, but then quickly engages in conversation instead, because the touch doesn't sit very well with him no matter what they say.

 

Later, they're sitting around a table at an izakaya and they're all a little drunk. Nikaido's not sure this was the best night to have drinks for him, because he's not feeling happy and fuzzy like he normally does, only restless and with a need for closeness which has him pressing closer to Senga all the time. Senga's a flirt when he's tipsy, which means he leans about as much on Kitayama's shoulder as he does Nikaido's, his smile radiant towards everyone, and Nikaido really just wants to take his hand and go home.

Kitayama drinks with Miyata, and they're chatting loudly about some manga that sounds pretty questionable for a public space, but luckily Tamamori's too drunk to be ashamed. He's next to Yokoo, smoking his third cigarette as they talk teasingly about Fujigaya, who's clinging to Yokoo's arm to try and hear what they're saying. Kitayama did buy him a drink, a pink one that nobody knew what it contained, and then he's had a few more so he's definitely drunkest of them all.

Senga's listening to Yokoo's and Tamamori's conversation and adds something with a laugh occasionally, but Nikaido hasn't bothered following it, more interested in trying to keep Senga close and listening to what Miyata says about his tentacle manga.

Until Senga suddenly blurts out something that makes Nikaido's heart stop. “Yeah, like that time he kissed me.”

Nikaido's head snaps his way instantly, staring at him.

“Taipi kissed you?” Tamamori asks with a little laugh, and Miyata's hand pushes his arm away when he gets a little careless with the cigarette.

“Yeah, at that Halloween party two years ago.” Senga smiles, and Nikaido has no idea what to feel right now. He remembers Fujigaya mentioning something like that, but he was certain it was just something Fujigaya made up to try and make Yokoo jealous. “Right Gaya?”

“Mm, Ken-chan's a good kisser.” Fujigaya mumbles, leaning his head on Yokoo's shoulder.

Yokoo doesn't look very amused, his eyes hard, and it's clear that he didn't believe Fujigaya at that time either. “You do realize we were dating then?”

“Yes.” Fujigaya mumbles softly, rubbing his cheek against Yokoo's sweater like a cat. “I've told you I kissed him, but you didn't care.”

Yokoo's jaw clenches but he seems to decide that now is not the time. But Nikaido can't really process it that fast, images from earlier of Fujigaya's hands on Senga's skin resurfacing in his mind, and he wants to cry and shout at the same time.   
Senga doesn't seem very regretful, only continues the conversation with Tamamori, and Nikaido's hands clench under the table to keep his emotions under control.

Then he takes out a couple of 1000 yen bills to cover his share and puts them on the table before getting up to leave without saying a word.

“Nika?” He hears Senga ask when he shrugs his jacket on, but he doesn't stop, only grabs his bag and leaves the table, heading for the exit.

He half expects Senga to follow him, and he wants him to at the same time as he just wants to be alone, and finds himself hurrying to the train station without looking back.

“Nika!” He hears behind him just when he's about to descend the stairs to the station, and he stops involuntarily, turning around to see Senga hurrying after him, jacket unzipped and scarf hanging loosely around his neck, bag slung over his shoulder.

Senga reaches him, cheeks pink and eyes shiny, but he's definitely sobered up a little from the run and fresh air, and he tugs Nikaido aside so they're not in everyone's way. “What was that about?”

“You don't know?” Nikaido asks, his tone short and hard and he thinks that this is the last place they should be having this conversation. “... We should go home.”

Senga looks at him with concern for a moment before slowly nodding, turning to head down the stairs.

Nikaido follows and they take the train going to Senga's place, Nikaido feeling more and more uneasy the further they get since he's not very good at acting calm once he's upset.

He manages to contain himself until they're out in the night air again, heading towards Senga's building.

“You kissed Fujigaya?” He asks, not even bothering to sound like he doesn't care.

“I... Yes?” Senga glances over at him with a confused look. “Before I even knew you existed?”

“You could have told me.” Nikaido mutters, refusing to meet Senga's gaze.

“What? Why?” Senga asks, and Nikaido hears that he thinks Nikaido is just acting stupid right now. “You mean I was supposed to go 'oh by the way here's a list of people I've kissed, we can get together after you read it', or what?”

“No, but you could have told me you've kissed _Gaya_ since he's someone we actually hang out with. Both together and alone.” Nikaido answers and his tone echoes how he feels, hurt and defensive.

“Nika don't be ridiculous, Gaya's with Watta and they're in love, and I'm with you and I'm in love too, so why on Earth would it matter that I've kissed him?” Senga raises his voice a little, bordering on yelling, and his hot breath turns into a cloud in the cold air.

“It just does!” Nikaido tries again. “What would you feel if suddenly it turns out I've kissed, I don't know, Watta or Miyacchi? And by the way, Gaya kissed you _while_ dating Watta!”

“I wouldn't care since it wasn't while you were with me? I can't control your past, can I? I only care about what you've been doing with others if it's during our relationship!” Senga stops and turns to glare at Nikaido. “And yes maybe he did but that's his decision right? I didn't know he had a boyfriend, and we were drunk and it was hardly a long kiss?”

Nikaido stops as well, standing in the middle of the pavement just 100 metres from Senga's door, and luckily there's no one else around. “Well maybe it doesn't mean anything to you but it does to me okay? Now all I'll be able to think about when I see the both of you is you kissing! And is it really so weird that I care even if it happened a long time ago? I just don't want to loose you and I don't want to think about you with anyone else!”

Nikaido shouts, probably loud enough for someone with an open window to hear, and he tries to catch his breath after getting all the words out.

“Well though luck Takashi, I've been with others before you and you will have to deal with that!” Senga shouts back, and Nikaido feels like he just shoved a knife into his heart.

“Yeah and you will have people after me too so I'll just have to deal with that as well right?!” He yells back before he can stop himself, feeling close to tears.

“... Nika, what? What does that even mean?” Senga asks, sounding more confused than angry now. “... You want to break up with me?”

“No!” Nikaido hurries to say, before looking away. “But you will, someday, I guess.”

Senga's eyes narrow, like he just realized something, and Nikaido's not sure he likes that. “... This has nothing to do with me kissing Gaya, does it?”

His voice is scarily calm, like he's really angry but tries to conceal it, and Nikaido bites his lip and slowly shakes his head, because it isn't, not really.

“Why are you so angry then, because you think that someday I'll break up with you?” Senga continues. “Nika, what the fuck?”

“Everyone else has, so.” Nikaido says, trying to keep his voice firm, because this is not where he wanted this to go.

Senga just stares at him for a few long moments, and he looks furious. “... I can't believe you. How the fuck do you think this relationship could ever work if you're only waiting for me to break up with you?! Are you even trying to make this last or are you just waiting?!”

“What?!” Nikaido bursts out. “If you think I don't want this to last you can think again, I'm just saying I have troubles expecting it!”

Senga bites his lip, and Nikaido feels something cold clutch his insides because something he just said hurt Senga really bad.

“So you don't trust me then, is that it?” Senga asks, voice at normal conversation volume again. “You think I'll leave you as soon as something difficult happens? Is this why you're still keeping me out?”

“Of course I trust you, what is that even supposed to mean?!” Nikaido tries to keep his own voice down but he really can't.

“But still you're keeping me out? Like you won't let me see your family?” Senga asks sternly, and Nikaido knows that Senga sees the answer on his face because he hit the nail on the head right there. “Really!? I thought I was being good and patient, figuring you'd let me when you were ready, but you're never going to let me meet them, are you!? You're just waiting for us to break up so I don't have to!”

“I'm not waiting for us to break up, Kento, please, I'm not!” Nikaido tries to explain, but Senga doesn't want to hear it.

“You can say that all you want, but what you do says the opposite.” He says acidly, but his eyes are glazed over and Nikaido can see he's not far from crying. “I've let you in on my whole life Takashi, and you're still hesitating to even talk to me about your family, I don't even know _why_ you don't want me to see them! Fuck, I don't even know your parents names!”

Nikaido bites his lip and he has no idea what to do to save this, how to make Senga understand why this is so difficult and how much he wants him to be a part of everything in his life. But what he says is true and it's hard to argue with. “Kento that's not what I mean at all, please, I-”

“I just think that's a pretty important part of someone's life, knowing where they come from and who they're closest with, and even if you don't see them very often they're still your family. I'd get it if you don't get along or whatever makes you this reluctant talking about them, but you won't even tell me!” Senga continues, the first tear breaking free from his eyelashes and Nikaido feels like the worst person to ever walk the planet. “To me, it feels like you don't trust me enough, like you think that I'll leave you anyway so it's not worth the bother to introduce me! If you see it from my perspective it's like I'm closing in on my 'best before' date and you're just waiting for me to leave!”

“No!” Nikaido protests, reaching out for Senga's shoulders to try and make him calm down enough to listen, but Senga backs away.

“I think you should go home Takashi.” He says, voice cold and quiet, and something breaks within Nikaido.

“Kento that's not it at all, of course I trust you! There's just-” He starts, but Senga cuts him off.

“Just go!” He yells, trying to fight his tears, and Nikaido takes a step back, trying to think of something to say.

But Senga just gives him one last glare before turning on his heel and heading for his door.

Nikaido stands frozen, wanting to run after Senga and hug him tight, tell him how much he loves him, but somehow his limbs don't want to collaborate, and he can only watch Senga disappear inside without a single look behind.

He stands there for more than a minute, just wondering how everything turned out so _wrong_ , before the tears start coming and he leans back against the wall, doing his best to hold them back.

He takes his phone out with shaky hands and manages to find Yokoo's number, thinking that there is no way he'll survive this night alone. But the signals keep going through and Yokoo doesn't pick up, and Nikaido curses and tries to keep back a new wave of tears. He feels them burn at the corners of his eyes and his throat closes up because it feels a little like the universe thinks he deserves to be alone right now, but he clenches his jaw because he's not going to cry right here on the street.

He swallows a couple of times before trying Miyata's number instead.

“Hello?” Miyata answers after three signals, and he sounds a little confused, with all good reason since it's nearly midnight on a Tuesday, and Nikaido can't hold his tears back anymore when he hears Miyata's voice.

“Hi.” He manages, and his voice breaks even on the single syllable.

“Nika?” Miyata asks, confusion immediately switched to concern. “You okay?”

“... Not really.” Nikaido says, drawing a shaky breath. “Can I... Are you alone?”

“You want to come over?” Miyata asks, and the genuine worry in his voice only makes Nikaido's tears run faster and he raises his sleeve to wipe them away.

“Yeah. Can I?”

“Of course. I'll wait for you.” Miyata settles, and Nikaido hangs up, wiping his tears again before heading back towards the train station, hoping nobody looks too closely at him.

 

Miyata opens the door before Nikaido can even ring the doorbell, eyes dark with worry as he gives Nikaido a long look and then lets him inside.

“Tama's here but he's sleeping.” Miyata says softly, watching Nikaido take off his jacket with shaky hands.

He's spent the entire train ride trying not think about anything, forcing himself to just look out the window or at commercial ads or at other people to keep his thoughts from wandering and tears from running. But now he doesn't even take off his shoes before flinging his arms around Miyata's neck and starts crying, just letting all his anxiety and regret for this whole thing pour out with the tears.

“Nika...” Miyata says softly, but it's not a question, it sounds more like a pitying 'what happened to you', and it makes Nikaido clutch at the fabric of Miyata's worn fandom T-shirt and cry harder.

Miyata lets Nikaido cry, patting his back a little awkwardly as Nikaido wets his shoulder, and it feels good, safe.

Eventually, Nikaido pulls back, and he wipes his nose with his sleeve and tries to rub some dried salt from his cheeks.

“... Did you fight?” Miyata asks gently, and Nikaido nods, not trusting his voice.

Miyata bites his lip thoughtfully for a second. “Do you want tea?”

Nikaido is a little surprised, but he nods, thinking that at least he'd like something warm to hold and coffee would not work right now.

“Okay.” Miyata nods slowly. “I'll make some tea then, you go wash your face or something. You look awful.”

Nikaido tries to smile but it doesn't work, so he just nods and Miyata disappears into the kitchen. Nikaido takes off his shoes and heads for the tiny bathroom, turning on the lights and blinks at himself in the mirror. He really does look awful, swollen and red and pathetic, and he quickly washes his face in cold water to get rid of some of it. At least the water feels calming against his skin, and after he's wiped his face with a towel he feels like he can sort of breathe again.

Miyata sits by the dinner table, a steaming cup before him and another one set on the table before the empty chair opposite. Nikaido sits down with a sigh, wrapping his hands around the cup and lets it warm him.

“So uhm...” Miyata says, sounding a little uncertain. “You wanna talk about it?”

Nikaido bites his lip and looks into the hot liquid in his cup, because he doesn't even want to _think_ about it. “I... don't know.”

“... At least tell me what it's about?” Miyata tries, and Nikaido figures he owes him that much, for coming here in the middle of the night crying like a baby.

“Uhm.” Nikaido tries, clears his throat a little since it's starting to close up again. “At first it was about Ken-chan kissing Gaya. Then it was about him not getting to meet my parents.”

Miyata makes an acknowledging sound but then stays quiet, sipping his tea.

“I just...” Nikaido continues, feeling like he needs to explain himself, swallowing to keep his voice clear. “My mom and dad pretty much stopped talking to me when I told them about my sexuality. I don't want them to do anything to put Kento down.”

Miyata looks thoughtful for a moment. “... Does he know? About your parents?”

Nikaido shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “I didn't... I didn't want him to know. I don't want the mess with my family to spoil anything.”

Miyata nods slowly in understanding, and Nikaido's happy he went here instead of to Yokoo. Yokoo would just tell him how he brought this on himself instead of just listen and understand.

Nikaido sips his tea, and it's hot and sweet and just what he needs to try and soothe his aching heart a little.

“You wanna sleep on the couch?” Miyata asks after a few minutes, and Nikaido nods thankfully.

He falls asleep the instant he lies down on the couch, probably from exhaustion, but it's not without an ache in his chest when he remembers Senga won't send him any good night text.

 

Nikaido wakes when someone sits down on his legs, and it takes him a minute to wake up enough to realize where he is and what's going on.

“Good morning.” Tamamori greets and settles more comfortably, hopping back enough to lay his legs over Nikaido's while holding a cup carefully.

Nikaido just groans as yesterday night comes back to him, and he tries to tug the blanket over his head so he can go back to sleep and forget about life, but Tamamori's weight holds it down.

“Hey. Hiding won't help.” Tamamori says and he gives Nikaido a glance of compassion. “Shape up a little.”

“Easy for you to say.” Nikaido mumbles, raising a hand to touch his face. His head hurts and he feels that his eyes are swollen from crying, and he really just wants to stay in bed all day and cry some more.

“Tama-chan.” Miyata's head peeks out from the kitchen, expression a little sheepish. “I told you to wake him up nicely didn't I?”

“And I did.” Tamamori says confidently, before holding the cup out for Nikaido. “I brought you coffee.”

Nikaido blinks at him for a second in disbelief, but then sits up and accepts the cup, the strong smell of coffee clearing his mind enough to say thanks.

“So you and Ken-chan had a fight huh?” Tamamori says, but his tone isn't prying at all, just compassionate.

“Mm.” Nikaido nods slowly, just holding the coffee cup since it's too hot to drink yet.

“Didn't see that coming.” Tamamori says quietly, and Nikaido's stomach tightens because he didn't either. “Ken-chan's not very good at being angry though. He'll come around for sure.”

Even though that's not very likely right now, Nikaido appreciates the support, and it actually makes him feel a little better to have people on his side.

Miyata calls from the kitchen that if they want breakfast they'll have to come get it now or he'll put everything away, and Tamamori jumps up, gruffing something about Miyata being a bad housewife. Nikaido pulls his legs up now that no one's sitting on them, and grabs for his phone on the floor.

There's a text message, but it's from Yokoo wondering if he's okay, and Nikaido's heart sinks a little. He's not okay and Senga doesn't want to know from him.

Then he squints at the screen and sees that it's 06:35 in the morning.

“Nika, you're not having breakfast?” Miyata's voice is suddenly much closer, and Nikaido looks up to see him leaning against the doorpost to the kitchen, mug in hand.

“... Why am I awake this early?” Nikaido asks, but Miyata only chuckles.

“Because you have a class at 8.30 and you should go.” He says. “It'll do you good. Now come have something to eat.”

And so Nikaido walks into class at 8:20, which is at least nine minutes earlier than he normally gets there, and spots Yokoo immediately.

“.... You look terrible.” Yokoo says as soon as Nikaido sits down and he gets a good look at him.

Nikaido winces a little, because he'd even let Tamamori fix him up with some make-up to cover the red and puffy spots on his face. But then again, Yokoo can see on Fujigaya's face how many hours he's slept no matter how much Fujigaya tries to conceal the rings under his eyes. Yokoo must have some kind of make-up-x-ray eyes.

“Thanks.” He mutters and crosses his arms, and Yokoo softens immediately.

“What happened?” He asks, voice gentle and concerned, and Nikaido feels the start of tears burn in his throat, and his tone comes out harsher than he intends.

“I had a fight with Kento. Don't use that tone with me right now or I'm gonna burst out crying.” He hisses, glancing at Yokoo who looks so taken aback that Nikaido feels a little guilty. “Sorry.”

“... Don't mention it.” Yokoo says once he's collected himself from the surprise. “Sorry for not answering yesterday. I had an argument myself.”

“It's okay, I slept at Miyacchi's.” Nikaido tells him, then thinks for a second about the last part of Yokoo's apology. “... The kiss huh?”

Yokoo nods slowly. “Yeah. You too?”

“Yeah, at first.” Nikaido admits. “It kind of escalated from there.”

Yokoo nods in understanding, but then their teacher comes in and they don't talk about it more.

Until lunch.

Yokoo brings Nikaido to one of the least crowded places to eat and settles furthest away in a corner, before demanding Nikaido to tell him everything.

It all pours out of Nikaido, and he barely swallows his tears as he explains what the fight was about, and Yokoo listens intently, chopsticks in hand but not eating anything.

“... It's a mess huh.” He comments when Nikaido's finished talking, and Nikaido just nods. “Well, you clearly need to talk to him about your family.”

“But I don't want to.” Nikaido mutters, and it's true.

“No, I know.” Yokoo says calmly. “But how do you expect him to understand if you don't tell him?”

“Why does he have to overreact like that without even knowing?” Nikaido counters, because he knew Yokoo would take Senga's side and it hurts. “He doesn't know anything about my relationship to my parents so why does he blow up like that?”

“Because he doesn't know.” Yokoo says patiently. “Maybe if you'd tell him I'm sure he'd understand.”

“Why can't he ask? Why do I have to be the one to do it, if he wants to know he could ask me instead of walking around wondering about it.” Nikaido crosses his arms and leans back, and Yokoo gives him a look which clearly says that he's just being difficult, but his answer is interrupted by a greeting.

“You sure hid well.” Tamamori says, and sits down next to Nikaido, followed by Fujigaya gracefully sliding in next to Yokoo, and Miyata taking the seat at the edge of the table.

Nikaido glares at them, not in the mood at all, but Miyata meets his glare with kind, caring eyes and his anger falters a little.

“You don't have to tell us if you don't want to.” Miyata clarifies. “If it's difficult you don't have to, but we just want to help you.”

Nikaido crumbles entirely, and he goes through the story again, a little less detailed this time while the other three listen.

“Hm.” Nikaido hears Tamamori's little sound when he's done telling, and sees the look he exchanges with Miyata, and it has him wondering how their families feel about the two of them being a couple.

“I'm sure it'll be okay Nika.” Fujigaya says seriously, and Nikaido turns to meet his earnest eyes. “He loves you too much to let this ruin anything.”

And even though Fujigaya is hardly Nikaido's favourite person right now, it feels pretty good to hear that. At least until Fujigaya shifts just the slightest and Nikaido sees a poorly hidden hickey on his neck, which clues him into how _their_ argument ended yesterday, and it feels so unfair his hands clench and he looks away.

“He didn't have the easiest time with his parents either you know.” Tamamori says quietly, and that's the first thing Nikaido hears today that actually makes him want to talk about Senga.

“No?” He asks, but Tamamori just shrugs.

“I don't really know that much, but I remember he had it rough with them for a while.” Tamamori says apologetically, and Nikaido avoids Yokoo's pointed glance by finally trying to eat something.

It feels really strange that he's able to go through a day in his life without Senga somewhere. They go to they same university, sure, but they're not in the same buildings, they don't take the same train home and they have no places they both visit regularly where they could bump into each other.

It reminds Nikaido of when he was trying to find a reason to talk to Senga but couldn't think of any, and it makes his chest hurt when he thinks that if they don't actively talk and synch their schedules, there's no way he's meeting Senga. At all.

It hurts in a strange way, because even if they're fighting, he misses Senga, wants to see him, if only to know how he feels, if he's as miserable as Nikaido or if he's okay.

A couple of days pass and every hour seems to mess more and more with Nikaido's head, makes him wake up in the middle of the night to question if this whole relationship is just something he dreamed up. The second night that happens, he gets up and rummages through the piles of clothes on his floor and finally finds one of Senga's T-shirts, pressing his nose into the fabric and breathes in the smell of him to ensure himself that it's real. He falls asleep with the shirt held close, and he almost starts crying with how much he misses Senga.

Worry starts nagging at him that Senga might have forgotten about him, that they've actually broken up and he'll never hear from him again, and if Yokoo's been giving him knowing looks for days, even Miyata starts to look concerned for his health now.

It's the third day since their fight, a Friday, and Nikaido's on the verge of a nervous breakdown, thinking that he can't handle a weekend like this, no way.

“Just fucking call him.” Yokoo says as they gather their things after the last class, and Nikaido knows Yokoo lost his patience with Nikaido already yesterday.

Miyata, who's had this class together with them, glances at Yokoo with a bothered look, and Nikaido knows why. Yokoo hardly takes a hard tone, and he has all day today.

“I can't.” Nikaido hisses back, and the anxiety twirls around in his stomach because if this goes on he's going to get into a fight with Yokoo too, and then he might just as well kill himself.

When they leave the classroom, Miyata tries to talk about something else, something about the weather, but then cuts himself off and stops a few metres outside the door, making Nikaido and Yokoo almost walk into him.

“Mitsu?” He frowns in confusion, and Nikaido's head whips around to where Miyata's looking, finding Kitayama leaning against the opposite wall with his hands in his pockets and a small smile on his lips.

“Hi.” Kitayama says, and something in Nikaido's chest twists because he hasn't seen Kitayama since that night either, and Kitayama is something that comes with Senga.

“What are you doing here?” Miyata asks, confused but pleased as he heads across the corridor, Yokoo and Nikaido in tow.

“Actually, I'm here to see Nika.” Kitayama explains, smiling apologetically at Miyata.

“Oh.” Miyata's eyes widen in understanding, and he glances at Yokoo. “We'll get going then.”

Nikaido tries to protest when Miyata turns to leave because he's not sure he can handle this, but Yokoo looks relieved to follow Miyata, and suddenly he's alone in the corridor with Kitayama, some students from his class still dropping out from the classroom.

“Uhm...” He starts, having no idea what to say but it feels awkward to be quiet.

“Let's go out and eat.” Kitayama suggests, but he doesn't wait for an answer before he turns around and starts walking casually towards the exit, and Nikaido hurries to follow.

“So, how are you?” Kitayama asks as they sit down at a ramen shop and waits for their food. It sounds casual at first, and Nikaido's about to automatically answer 'fine', until Kitayama continues. “Are you like, okay, or more like Ken-chan?”

“I... what?” Nikaido ends up with, because he wants to ask how Senga's doing but he doesn't really dare.

“Well, Kento's a mess these days.” Kitayama explains vaguely, then sighs. “He sucks at dancing too, his head is not there at all and he does wrong more often than he does right.”

Nikaido's not sure what to answer, since there are so many conflicting emotions within him right now. He's happy that Senga's not okay with this either, but he's also hurt by hearing just how bad he is, and a little suspicious of Kitayama's motive.

“So you're here to make sure he can do the dances again?” Nikaido asks finally, feeling a little betrayed.

Kitayama gives him an unimpressed look. “Sometimes I really wonder why he loves you so much. No stupid, I'm here because I'm his friend.”

Nikaido blushes a little, thinking that maybe that was an unnecessary comment. “Sorry.”

“It's okay.” Kitayama says. “Kento keeps calling me all kinds of nasty things when I try to make him talk to you, but he won't budge, so I figured I'd play the drama-best-friend and do it for him.”

Nikaido looks suspiciously at him while the waitress comes with their food and Kitayama digs in. “Yeah?”

“Mm.” Kitayama agrees around a mouthful of noodles, and Nikaido waits until his mouth is free to speak again. “Look, I've only heard his version of this, but I think you're both a little ridiculous.”

That makes Nikaido's hackles rise, and he's tempted to ask Kitayama how Senga can possible like _him_ so much. “I'm not ridiculous, he's stubborn.”

“You both are.” Kitayama rolls his eyes, but his tone is serious. “Ken-chan's crying so much he's probably going to dissolve into atoms soon, and you don't exactly look fine. Just talk to him?”

“Why can't he talk to me?” Nikaido mutters, and he hears how selfish it sounds but he really doesn't see why he has to fix this when Senga was the one to get angry. “He's the one who told me to leave, he's the one who's fighting.”

“You hurt him.” Kitayama says, and Nikaido's feels a twinge to his heart that is both guilt and irritation.

“He hurt me too.” Nikaido counters quietly, looking away.

“Yes, I know.” Kitayama's voice is calm, and it makes Nikaido look back at him. “I know he did. But I don't know how. I only know what he feels.”

Nikaido blinks, forgetting his food temporarily.

“I'm not asking you to tell me, I really don't want to know.” Kitayama hurries to add. “I'm just saying which perspective I have, so don't lash out at me for not considering your feelings okay? I don't know anything about them.”

Nikaido nods slowly. That is probably the smartest thing he's ever heard Kitayama say, and still the words somehow bother him, feels uncomfortable.

“So, I'm just gonna talk to you about what he's told me, and then you can decide if you want to talk to him, yes?” Kitayama asks, and Nikaido just nods again.

He can't even remember a conversation where he's talked this little.

“I know you have some kind of mess with your family.” Kitayama starts, then shoves a piece of meat into his mouth and it makes him pause.

“Yeah, I... Yeah. We don't really get along.” Nikaido admits since it feels weird not saying anything. “At all, in fact.”

“I've figured.” Kitayama says when he's done chewing. “He's just really upset you didn't tell him about it.”

“Yeah I know but I don't want him to meet them and they'll ruin everything we've-” Nikaido starts, but Kitayama interrupts him with a shove.

“No, that's not what I said. He's upset you just didn't tell him that you don't get along with your parents.” Kitayama explains like Nikaido's five years old, and it upsets him at the same time as he has to admit that he might need it. “He wouldn't have pushed meeting them if he knew why you didn't want him to.”

“I...” Nikaido starts, but he can't think of what else he wants to say.

“And honestly, it's pretty clear you've never had a girlfriend.” Kitayama says with a joyless smile. “You don't just tell your lover that you don't expect them to keep loving you. It's not like you gain anything from trying to guilt-trip them.”

“I did not.” Nikaido objects fiercely enough for Kitayama to raise an eyebrow. “I only meant that he's so good to me, that I can't understand what he sees in me and whether he'll continue seeing it.”

“Just accept that he does see something.” Kitayama's voice is firm now. “You shouldn't overthink anyone else's feelings. If he loves you, he does, period. You can't say you don't expect him to keep liking you, he takes that as a personal insult. Like he doesn't give you enough or something.”

“That's ridiculous, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.” Nikaido protests, and Kitayama raises a reminding eyebrow at him.

“Don't shoot the messenger.” He says curtly. “I'm just saying that's how he sees it. That you don't feel comfortable enough to share your problems with him, and that he doesn't give you all the love you need.”

Nikaido just stares at Kitayama because that's _absurd_ and nothing like what he meant or even remotely close to what he said that night. “What!?”

“Trust me, I think it's a little far-fetched too. But I guess that's how he perceived it.” Kitayama shrugs.

Nikaido is already picking up his stuff. “I'm going to see him.”

He's in such a rush to get out without forgetting something that he barely catches Kitayama's satisfied smile.

 

It takes Nikaido until he's rung the doorbell of Senga's apartment to realize what time it is. He quit early today but Senga still shouldn't be home for an hour or so. He sighs deeply, feeling like a punctured balloon with all the nervousness he's built up within running off, the temporary courage to come talk to him that now has to be postponed.

He sinks down against the wall next to the door, thinking that if he leaves now he'll never be brave enough to come back. It's a little cold to sit on the floor, and it's pretty stupid too, he figures. He has no idea when Senga gets home, if he even does tonight. That thought has something in his stomach twisting, and even if it'd just be to meet a friend or something, it makes him jealous to think of Senga not coming home.

Nikaido's not sure whether it's a good or bad thing that all he does as time passes is think. Sometimes the thoughts “should I at least check my facebook or something” and “this is so stupid what the hell am I even doing” pass through his brain but he doesn't acknowledge them, taking his time to ponder the important thoughts instead.

Some of Senga's neighbours come up the stairs with school bags or groceries and gives Nikaido long questioning looks, but he ignores them as best as he can, trying to look like he hasn't been there long and that he knows when Senga's coming.

When he finally does, Nikaido is completely unprepared even though he's been glancing at his watch every other minute for the past hour, thinking that he should show up soon.

Senga's got his headphones on and his practice bag over his shoulder, which is a little strange since Kitayama obviously didn't have practice, but Nikaido doesn't care. Senga's bangs are sweaty and he wears an oversized hoodie, looking generally miserable, but it feels like a bomb of longing goes off in Nikaido's chest.

Senga doesn't notice him at first, just trudges up the stairs with his gaze lowered and unfocused, as if every step he takes is a huge effort, but then Nikaido shifts and Senga's eyes gravitate towards the movement.

His jaw drops and he freezes as he stares at Nikaido sitting outside his door, obviously waiting for him, and when he speaks it sounds like he thinks he's dreaming. “Nika?”

His voice makes something warm up in Nikaido's chest and he's a little amazed at his own physical reaction to finally seeing Senga again, realizing he must have missed him so much more than he thought. “Hey.”

“I... What are you... How long have you been here?” Senga finally decides is the most important question, and he looks so bewildered it's almost cute as he tugs down his headphones.

Nikaido glances at his phone even though he knows exactly what time it displays. “Almost two hours.”

“What?!” Senga's eyes widen and he tugs out his own phone to look at the time. “Oh my god you should have called or something and I'd have...”

He trails off, and Nikaido sees on his face that he remembers that they're not talking to each other and that's why Nikaido hasn't called. “... Why?”

Nikaido wets his lips before speaking, thinking that maybe he should stand up since this feels a little awkward. “I want to talk to you.”

Senga looks at him for another few seconds, and Nikaido can't tell what feeling his eyes portray, it looks like something between surprise and awe, but then Senga speaks and he doesn't bother wondering. “Yeah. Me too.”

Nikaido breathes a sigh of relief, even though he wasn't aware that he was nervous Senga wouldn't even want to see him.

Senga gives him a questioning look before stepping forward, fishing his keys out of his pocket and unlocking the door.

Nikaido stands up, wincing at his stiff legs, but he's distracted by how close he is to Senga suddenly, standing right next to him.

“Come inside.” Senga says and opens the door. Nikaido tries to take a step but stumbles, his legs not really back into function yet, and it has Senga laughing softly, even though it sounds a little tense.

He gets inside, glancing at the apartment that looks the same as when he last saw it, only messier. Senga closes the door behind him and drops his bag on the floor, and Nikaido's prepared to start saying something to explain himself, but then suddenly Senga's in his arms hugging him tightly, and he stands frozen in shock.

“Oh Nika I've missed you so much.” Senga mumbles into his neck, hot breath rushing over Nikaido's skin, and Senga's hands clutch at the fabric at the back of his jacket. It takes Nikaido a few moments to collect himself enough to hug back, but he can't sort out the feelings bubbling up within him. It's heated and intense enough to be arousal, but it isn't, feels more like relief and something fuzzy he's not sure he understands.

“I've missed you, too.” He finally says, and it comes out more like a whisper into Senga's hair, and it's so strange but it feels like those confessions solve everything.

“Mm.” Senga agrees against the skin of his neck, and it sends goosebumps down his shoulder. Then Senga squeezes him extra tightly for a moment before he lets go and pulls back, looking a little sheepish. “Ehm... I... Should we... Uhm. Did you eat already?”

The question takes Nikaido by surprise, wondering where all the days of not talking went, but he just blinks before answering. “Yes I... Kitayama bought me food.”

It's Senga's turn to blink in surprise, but then he blushes and it's so sweet Nikaido just wants to pull him back into his arms. “... He told you did he?”

Nikaido shrugs. “I don't know? He convinced me I should talk to you?”

Senga smiles softly, shyly. “Guess he did tell you then. Look, I'll... make food, because I need to eat or I'm going to cry like a baby. Join me and we can talk, okay?”

And so Nikaido finds himself on a chair by the tiny kitchen table, watching Senga cook and waiting a little nervously for him to say something.

“Look, I'm sorry.” Senga sighs after a few moments of moving kitchenware around. “But you could have just talked to me. I'm your boyfriend, you're supposed to talk to me.”

Nikaido gets a sudden flashback from a week ago when he sat in another kitchen while watching someone else cook, and was advised to 'just tell him'. He looks away now, swallowing nervously, because he can't say to Senga's face what he's said to everyone else that's asked; that he didn't want to. “... It's just a real mess.”

“Will you tell me now?” Senga asks, and his voice is a little tense, enough that Nikaido glances at him again. He looks nervous, uncertain, and Nikaido remembers Kitayama's words clearly. _He thinks you don't feel comfortable enough to share your problems with him._

It makes up his mind for him, and he nods slowly, but he eyes Senga apprehensively. “Is that... Will it be okay then?”

“It will. If you tell me why you don't think I'll keep liking you and why I can't see your family.” Senga's voice is firm but he bites his lip when Nikaido looks at him for a few moments.

“Yeah. Okay.” He heaves a sigh, and can't help but think that it's not _that_ traumatic and he's almost a little embarrassed. “I just... About my family.”

He cuts himself off to think where to start, and Senga looks at him intently, as if he's afraid he'll miss something Nikaido says if he even blinks. It makes Nikaido a little uncomfortable, wondering if he's really been that bad at sharing things with Senga.

“I came out to my sister when I was 16. She was a little shocked, but okay with it. I think she even thought it was pretty cool, since we definitely grew closer after that. But my parents...” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “It didn't work out very well, my mom came home early one day and saw me kissing my boyfriend goodbye. It wasn't anything scandalous or anything, but she acted as if we'd been having sex in her bed or something with the way she reacted. I was 18 then, and I had been thinking of telling them, but I... didn't get there. She didn't say a word to me, waited until my dad came home and then they sat me down at the kitchen table and said we were going to 'talk'. I told them I haven't ever been interested in a girl and that I loved that boy. But they wouldn't hear it, tried telling me it was a phase I'd grow out of, that this was really embarrassing to them and what was I thinking, what if someone knew. I told them I'd been dating boys for years and that I was pretty certain of my preferences, but nothing helped.”

Nikaido pauses to take a breath and look at Senga's reaction. He looks calm, but Nikaido notices his fists are clenched.

“And I... said some inappropriate things, as I tend to do when I'm frustrated. Called my dad some ugly names, telling them I couldn't help who I fell in love with. And... They kicked me out. I stayed at my boyfriend's apartment for a while before I found the place where I live now.”

Senga bites his lip. “... Seriously?”

Nikaido nods slowly, not sure what Senga wants him to say.

“Takashi you're so stupid!” Senga bursts out and slams his fist against the counter. Nikaido flinches, and he feels like Senga just smashed the little flicker of hope he had. At least until Senga turns off the stove and then drops to his knees before Nikaido with serious eyes.

“Nika. You're supposed to tell me these things.” He says softly, taking Nikaido's hands in his own and suddenly Nikaido's fighting tears. “How long have you been anxious about that? What did you think I'd do if you told me?”

Nikaido takes a shaky breath to try and keep his tears in, realizing that Senga was smart settling lower than him because he can't look away from him. “I don't know. Every other 'serious' boyfriend I've had never thought it was worth the bother when I told them.”

Senga's hands squeeze his tighter and something like pain flashes in his eyes. “Takashi, I love you. Give me some credit. I don't care if you don't talk to them or don't want to have anything to do with them. As long as you want to be with me I'm happy. Just explain things like this to me and I'll understand, okay?”

Nikaido couldn't hold back his tears even if he tried, but he manages to keep his voice almost steady even though he feels a hot tear running down his cheek. “Yeah. I will.”

Senga smiles softly, standing up just to lean down and press his lips to Nikaido's, soft and gentle and it kind of tastes like salt from Nikaido's tears that just won't stop running even though everything is fine now.

“Weren't you hungry?” Nikaido asks after the third soft kiss breaks, but Senga just shakes his head with a small smile.

“It can wait.”

They end up sprawled on Senga's bed, just cuddling and talking softly about nothings between occasional kisses, food completely forgotten. It's so good, finally, to feel Senga's warmth close and smell him for real instead of holding a piece of his clothing at night, and Nikaido vows to never get into a fight like that again. He's pretty sure he can't stand missing him like that one more time, and it makes him remember something.

“Ken-chan?” He says, raising up enough to lean on his elbows, and looks down at Senga, his voice a little tense.

“Hm?” Senga tilts his head in soft question, frowning a little when Nikaido licks his lips nervously. “What?”

“I think... I think we should move in together.” Nikaido finally says, and forces himself to look at Senga's face for his reaction.

He blinks in surprise a couple times, before a smile spreads on his face that warms Nikaido all the way into his heart. “Really? You want to?”

“Yeah.” Nikaido nods, and he can't help but smile too. “I don't want to miss you like that again.”

Senga giggles at that, and pulls Nikaido down for another kiss. “Then let's.

 

~*~

 

 


End file.
